Fashion has made a bag that looks like a pigeon, and that bird has well and truly flown, sh*tting free publicity everywhere. Many, many words have been written about it and its various novelty comrades of recent years: totes and clutches that resemble binbags, crisp packets, champagne buckets and more.
The Guardian coined this phenomenon ‘the main character accessory’, a phrase that bubbles with delight and promise for the style-assertive.
For the rest of us, there will be questions.
‘Can I pull off a statement bag like this?’
‘I don’t feel very “main character”, I’m just quite tired – can I be more like “the person who sells the main character some cigarettes and a Twix near the start of the film”?’
‘What is fashion?’
‘I don’t have £795 for JW Anderson’s pigeon-à-porter, I’ve got £4.93 and a Homebase voucher from 2019, can I still find a place on style’s cutting edge?’
My answers? Yes you can; yes you can; f*ck knows, just pretend; YES YOU CAN.
I will show you how. And everything you’ll need is right at your fingertips (/in a medium-sized Tesco).
Together, let us embrace… the beta-energy bag.
The cross-body
At last, one of the most iconic brands in feminine hygiene claims its rightful place in the fashion pantheon. Pops of zesty orange and electric blue elevate an otherwise flat and lifeless face outfit, and we’ve attached a generous length of gold chain to ramp up the 80s mood and stop your bag falling on the floor.
The result is a nonchalant throw-over piece that leaves your hands free to self-consciously stuff in your pockets while you’re having your photo taken in front of someone else’s garage.
I don’t like to be prescriptive, because fashion is all about self-expression, but some things just are. So I must tell you it is no coincidence that we’ve chosen the ‘super plus’ absorbency. Heavy bleeding is just very much more fashion than a lighter flow. I don’t make the rules.
The drawstring
Just imagine this darling little number, with its cheery gingham squares, dangling delectably from your wrist at a garden party music drinks festival. And if you should knock over your beverage because you’re having so much fun at the garden party music drinks festival? One nonchalant mop with your arm candy and all is well.
This one takes a touch more skill to put together, but look at the sartorial pay-off. Take a pack of all-purpose cloths and (get a much more talented friend to) sew a circular base onto a rectangle bit that goes round the sides then plait some little skinny bits for the ties and don’t worry if they look scruffy because you can just say it’s meant to be like that. Fashion is so liberating.
The best part? You can make it your own by staining it with your favourite kitchen or bathroom spills. I love sunny egg yolk for summer, or comforting Heinz Cream Of Tomato for a cheerily festive winter look. Here, we’ve used a sturdy brew of tea for everbrown year-round style.
The structured tote
Your trusty compost caddy becomes a go-to multitasker that’s smart enough for work (wash it first, or not, according to your own levels of anarchic fashion energy).
The robust shape means you can carry structurally vulnerable items safely inside: an elaborately iced leaving cake for a colleague; a matchstick model of Lubetkin’s penguin pool at London Zoo, which turned out to be medically hostile to penguins; a live guinea pig; six eggs.
You can take this understated look in a more playful direction by adding bag charms. We’ve used a selection of aspirational teabags that blend tonally with the grey palette. Herbal tea has the added bonus of creating a bespoke, aromatic fragrance around your bag – or a ‘bagrance’, as we say in fashion. If you prefer a more Scandi, pared-back aesthetic, leave your tote unadorned and let the classic silhouette do the talking.
The microbag
Everyone needs an elegant bag for evening – one that will garnish your outfit as a cut-glass bauble adorns a Christmas tree.
A simple plaited tie (ours is made from embroidery silk, but try used dental floss or human hair for maximum eco credentials) wraps around the rim of the jar to become a delicate strap that can swing insouciantly from a jewelled finger.
Even after cleaning for fashion usage, this retains a bracing menthol smell, keeping your belongings fresh all night long. And the best thing? Mais oui, it’s bijou, but you really can stash all your essentials inside.
I hope these four key styles encourage you to embrace your own beta energy. You are loved. You are fashion. You’ve got a drawing pin stuck in the sole of your shoe and it’s making a creepy tapping sound when you walk along, but let’s make it work for you.
And remember: inspiration is everywhere.
Thank you x 1,000,000 to my photographer, seamstress and co-stylist @sewyeah. If you can turn up at someone’s house asking them to sew you a drawstring bag from dishcloths, and their only question is what kind of fastening would you like, this is a true pal.
Wonderful! More please.
Obsessed. And can't wait to see what you write about next. I also really want the Jiffy cloth bag and the menthol one as menthol rub is my signature scent.